Quitting

Monday, November 6th, 2017 I quit smoking weed, at least till new years, for the purposes of finding a new job. I smoked for a multitude of reasons, not including just to get high. I have bipolar disorder, bipolar depression, anxiety, insomnia, PTSD, stress, and an eating disorder; all of which smoking weed has helped TREMENDOUSLY. Seeing as I don't take medication for anything I should, except birth control, I expect these next couple months to seriously suck. So, friday, I bought a cheap vape pen and CBD juice just to be safe.

11/6/17   I'm doing good. I want to smoke, but more out of habit than anything else. Stress level higher than normal, but given the circumstances, not bad. Then my grandmother got home. She already irritates me all the time anyways cause she just talks so fucking much. So, as per usual, she gets home and starts talking to me and wont shut up and I just want to cuss her out because I am irritable. So I am just short with her, biting my tongue, but then her talking turned into bitching about everything and it is going to drive me up the fucking wall.

11/7/17   I can't complain. Again I want to smoke but more out of habit. The feeling doesn't gnaw at me like when its been a couple hours since I've had a cigarette. It is substantially more difficult to relax my mind and wind down enough to get to sleep at a decent time - woo insomnia starting to rear its ugly head. Ugh. CBD Vape and Melatonin help just a little, but not really enough to make a difference. I am still currently able to sleep through the night though, so that may be where it helps, because I usually can't unless I smoke before bed. My mother suggested ZzzQuil which doesn't work for me, but NyQuil does, but i refuse to use it unless I am actually sick. I also have 2 bottles of melatonin and a box of Goody's sleep aid with pain reliever for when I need it. Also, I realized that I have a little more free time since I'm not spending my time prepping and smoking (about an hour to an hour and a half).

11/8/17    I feel the need to clarify my weed "habit". I'm not addicted (which, yes I realize every addict says). I do not have a craving for the weed. Its just more of a habit to smoke a blunt in the morning/before bed as opposed to just cigarettes. I still catch myself opening my center console, to get one to smoke, out of habit from doing it for so long. I'm not suffering withdrawals, just some irritability, but that is normal for Sober Me anyways. Irritability has always been a side effect to my mental illnesses as well as eating disorder.

   To clarify my eating disorder - I am not sure if there is a name for it, as I have not ever met someone with the same issues. I'm not anorexic; I do eat. I love food, that's why I'm fat. I'm not so self conscious about that anymore that I would force myself into an eating disorder. For whatever reason, I am just not hungry very often. I am, but I'm not. See, if I don't feel hungry, I can't eat because I will get sick and throw up. But the feeling of hunger comes and goes in waves. So, when my body feels hungry, it doesn't keep that feeling for long, but if I don't eat while that feeling is there, the feeling passes and if i eat between the waves of hunger, I get sick. So I maybe eat twice a day; an actual meal I mean. I can snack on stuff throughout the day so long as its light enough to not make my body sick (some crackers, candy, little stuff like that). Sometimes, when I eat while I'm hungry, I will get just a couple bites in and can't eat anymore, but if I force myself to eat more, I will get sick.

   Quite often, I feel weak. Sometimes I feel dizzy, and nauseous when it has been a while since I've eaten. And a couple of times, I've thrown up from not eating much for a couple days. Those are the worst. Too often, while I am hungry, will go to find something to eat but everything smells or tastes bad and I cant eat it. And its usually foods I love, and then I get upset, and then the wave of hunger recedes, and I go about my day. I do not know why this happens, but what i do know is that when I do smoke weed, I can eat whether my body feels hungry or not - YAY MUNCHIES!!!!! for keeping me on a healthy eating schedule!

11/16/17 ok so update, I got the job at jiffy lube and I can smoke again. Woohoo!

Yes, I'm okay. No I am not okay.

I am safe. My family is safe. All of the people I care about are safe. My mom's hours flooded, but all of the dogs and cat and family is safe. I am okay.

I am not okay.
I feel like life has just steadily been throwing bricks at me since I graduated. Like I can't catch a break. And once it seems like life is running out of brings, a new truckload comes in. I'd like to be able to start building something out of those bricks but they're heavy, and there's so many piled on top of me. I can't move. I can't see. I can't breathe.
Why? What could I have possibly done that was so bad that I have deserved this shit?! ALL I HAVE EVER DONE IS HELP PEOPLE!!! And for what? To be taken for granted lied to, cheated on, be told, "I hate you" every single day? To be bullied my entire childhood? To be told that I'm nothing, have always been and will always be nothing, that I'm not good enough? To get stabbed in the back, betrayed, RAPED? To always be there for people when they need someone, and have no one there when I need it? To NEVER be treated with the same love and compassion that I pour into everything I do or say? To have a voice that is never heard?
You want to know why I don't believe in God?
Because WHO THE FUCK KILLS SIX (6!!!!!) Family members, a close friend, and two dogs all within TWO MONTHS?! And then makes you really sick, fail your semester,l? And then burns the house you grew up in, gives your grandmother a spinal tumor and has to have major surgery, gives your dad a rare genetic pancreatic disorder that could kill him, has to have major surgery that gives him an 80% chance of becoming diabetic, puts him out if work and mom behind on bills and then floods your mother's house?!?! Within 11 months?!?!
No fuck you! This is some sick joke, right? This can't be real. Maybe it's one of my numerous mental problems acting up again... Fuck dude.
Look, I don't complain about my life because I know it could be worse. And I constantly remind myself that there's always someone who has it worse. But fucking damnit I'm tired of this shit! I can only take so much before I completely crumble.
I'm fine.

You Wonder Why

So, I actually wrote this in 2013, but it still applies, but now I'm 21 and pay my own way, including to them...

You wonder why i stay in my room, why i dont talk to yall, why im always in a "pissy ass mood," or why im never home. You say its because im a teenager and im a "smartass bitch that always has to know everything." But honestly, thats not it at all. I just hate you. I hate being home. I hate being around you because you criticize everything I do. Why should i have to justify my actions. You wonder why we fight all the time. I havent been able to stand being in the same room with any of you in about five years. You all treat me like shit. You've pushed me so far into my depression that its permanently a part of me. I will never be able to be the person i want to be until i get out. I love you, mostly because i have to. You're my family and i have to live with you until i can move out. That day literally will not come fast enough. You always tell me, "you're gonna miss it when you leave." Why in the world would i miss fighting literally every day with all of you, being called a bitch, selfish, annoying, being pushed away because when i want/need to talk you're too busy watching your tv show, or being told that i am hated and being wished dead. Why would i miss crying myself to sleep at night because i'm so pissed off from you yelling at me for stupid bullshit or hitting me because i said something you didnt like. It feels like no matter what I do for you, you will find something to bitch about. Why would i miss being abused mentally and emotionally for as long as i can remember to the point where I can't function. Like a normal person my age can function without a problem. Like be happy or be with friends.

In Between

I am the in-betweener.
In between today is great! And I wonder how many people would notice if I just disappeared?
In between hey how are you I'm sam and hiding in the corner trying not to be seen.
Between I'm so white omg and I'm not even white! I'm not. I'm 3/4 native American and yeah I'm French and Irish and German. But I am also African American. But can you tell?!?!
In between
I'm that awkward friend that knows a lot of people, and has alot of friends, but no one offers to hang out. I don't belong to any group. Nobody includes me in their plans when they make them. I kinda just happen upon them and get invited...

This Is War

Move back home everyone's happy wonder how long that'll last finally decided that you had enough you want your space you not getting everything because I'm here so what do you do you pick a fight every single day but I've got news for you you may think that you are a bad b**** and you may think but you are harder than me but honey remember something I've been gone for 3 years you haven't been around me the last three years I've dealt with worse than you I promise not exactly the person I was before I left and not exactly a different person I've just changed I've grown stronger I've grown harder I've been in spikes where there was no winner you may think you're winning but believe me you were only adding ammo to my Arsenal I will win I will not sink the cue off your stupid little head put on for so long because I've been gone but guess what I'm back now and just because you've been gone doesn't mean I'm not coming back to take my throne no more days of high strung do as I say attitude I'm f****** little princess and I get what I want no no more because honey f****** Queen just got back you may win a fight here and there but honey This Is War and I will not I will be the victor but at least I'm not the time to leave you stranded out in a field to die no I am gracious I will have I will pull you back up off of Battlefield I will help you heal your wounds but believe me you will know this is no longer a game I am done playing This Is War and you will lose remember I am much more experience now than I was three years ago You Don't Know Me Anymore

It's a fight every single morning because you're not a morning person but I don't care we go through the same routine every morning me I turn on the light I said good morning it's time to get up you roll over and mumbles some curses under your breath I take my dog out I come back in I turn the light back on until you you need to get up now it is time to go you're not a morning person so everyone around you has to suffer because all you want to do in the morning is b**** and complain and start fights with me and for what because you don't get your way easy honey I'm not stupid and people may open their mouths and leak information to you but it's not hurting me she has had enough information on you the last a lifetime and what little you think you may have on me isn't even relevant you're just mad because you are slowly and slowly starting to not get your way more and more and you can't stand it you're not the little princess you thought you were or maybe you are because everyone around you led you to believe that but in the wake of my presence sweetheart or nothing but a follower a sheep but sweetheart you've lost your crown long ago I'm just making it apparent to you that it is actually gone you lie you steal you cheat you put your responsibilities off on others and overall you're just ugly sweetheart you may be beautiful on the outside but you are shallow a millennial a snowflake you're a bully so you may not want to admit it and you never will because you've been going most of your life right or all your life and then you would come home from being bullied all day long and what do you do you become a bull yourself because no one appreciates you like you want them to you so you decide you have to demand it but honey nobody appreciates you we all despise you those cheers you here outside the window? They're actually yelling cursing screaming take her down exclamation point and as a leader of the people I hear their voices I see their face and I will not stand for it anymore you try to manipulate everyone to do your will because you're lazy but why because you're lazy and you never do anything you might think you win just because I'm doing but honey it's just getting lockdown on long long list I'm not done by far well you've been here sitting on top of these pillows on top of the medicine they put you on that you put yourself on I've been gone out to war been through war and terrorism on my body on my heart on my mind and I came out the Victor you see I'm not the week little girl that you thought I was before just because I didn't fight and although I still don't fight not physically doesn't mean I won't doesn't mean I won't win

House Rules

Remember: This is not your house.
Be home by 2am on weekdays
Don't stay out all night
Don't go out too much
You will get bitched at every time you go out
Remember this is not your house
Keep moms secret
Spend a lot of time outside smoking/sitting with mom as her cover
Give mom your cigarettes even though she has her own
Pay rent
Pay the gas bill
Pay part of storage unit
Don't complain about anything or you will get bitched at
Remember this is not your house
Run errands in your car for/with mom whenever asked, without complaint, or let mom borrow car, but never expect gas
Always do exactly what you are told, when you are told to do so.
Don't ask questions, just do it.
Remember this is not your house
Don't remind siblings of the things they've been told to do
Don't tell siblings to do/not to do anything
Do not EVER correct siblings. Go tell mom and dad
Remember you are not the mom
Don't bring dad into arguments
Don't go to mom and dad with "stupid shit"
You will get bitched at for not going to them over something stupid
Remember this is not your house
Do not talk back
Do not argue
Do not defend yourself
Do not interrupt
Don't complain when you get interrupted
Do not get upset
Do not get mad
Do not get depressed
Do not have anxiety
Don't talk too quietly
Don't cry
Don't express how you feel
Do not show emotion
Don't get excited about anything, you'll just be let down
Never be in a bad mood
ALWAYS look/be happy
Remember this is not your house
Respect people's privacy
Do not complain when nobody respects your privacy
Don't use other people's stuff, especially without asking
Don't get mad when people use your stuff more than you do, you should have hidden it
Don't hide stuff cause you don't want people go use it, that's selfish
Remember this is not your house
Don't be tired because you didn't get enough sleep, you should've gone to bed earlier
Do not try to go to bed before midnight, you sleep in the living room
Don't wake anyone up when you come in late
Don't complain when anyone wakes you up late at night
ALWAYS clean up after yourself
Do not complain when nobody else does
Clean up after everyone else
Do not eat too much, make sure there is enough for everyone
Do not complain when there is no food left for you to eat
if you do decide to eat at home, make sure everyone eats fist before making a lunch, including yourself
If you choose to use your portion as your lunch, DO NOT prepare it before everyone else eats
Do not complain when there isn't enough left for you to pack, or eat
Do not complain when you get bitched at for eating too much food when you rarely eat at home
Remember this is not your house
You will be mentally, verbally, and/or emotionally abused every single day you are here
Do not let it get to you, they're just messing with you
Do not tell anyone when anything they say upsets you
Always be happy, but not too happy
Remember: This is not your house.