To Everyone Who Keeps Asking If I Am Okay

I've been better, but I am okay. I am alive and well. I love my job and I'm not shutting people out because of my depression. However, I've been through so much shit in the past year and a half that sometimes its hard to see the bright side. So, for everyone wanting to know what's going on, I'll give you the run-down.

Well, let's see since August of 2016: my grandmas house burned down, found out she had a tumor in her spine on her spinal chord, I moved back down, granny had surgery to remove the tumor, I lost my best friend because she decided to replace me and burn the bridge, granny bought a house and I moved in with her to help her out 2 days before Harvey hit, moms house and storage unit flooded in harvey so just about everything we still had at moms house got ruined as well as all of my furniture, except my bed, and about 1/3 of my book collection including all of my school stuff, then we found out that my dad has a rare genetic form of chronic pancreatitis, had 40% of his pancreas removed in September, then the doctors found a tumor in the part of his pancreas they removed, then he developed a cyst on the incision on his pancreas in march and spots on his liver, put 2 stents in to drain the cyst and found out the spots they could see were 5 tumors, then we found out the tumors are aggressive and malignant but they cant cut them out right now cause theyd have to take over half of his liver amd they don't know if he has more tumors, he was supposed to start chemo the beginning of this month but his insurance wouldn't cover the injections so they have to wait till the beginning of next month for the new insurance that will to kick in. I also found out a few weeks ago, that my best friend that is now 20 weeks pregnant has a brain tumor that has to be removed and grows tumors in her body like normal people grow hair weeks ago I found a gas leak in a pipe outside and the gas has been off since, just had people come out to fix the pipe today, have to wait till Monday for the city to inspect the new system, then have to get the plumbers back out to fill in the trench to cover the new pipe, then gotta call to get the gas meter back out, so I should have hot water again by the end of next week; making it 4 weeks with no hot water. I wasn't able to make my car payment this month because my check was short because I missed a day of work and didn't get paid till the day after my payment was due so it overdrafted my account but I got it figured out, and I got sent home 2 hours early today because labor was high.

So, my life is a shit show and I've been better, but I'm ok. 👌

❤Tippy❤

Follow Your Dreams?

Do you ever like really think about what you want to do with your life, like what you want to do and where you want to be, and just get really upset because reaching your life goals are unrealistic?
I cry. It literally hurts when I think about the fact that I will likely never achieve my dreams because they're so unrealistic. So I set an achievable goal doing something else that I would still enjoy, but I also know that even if I get there, I still won't be doing what I truly want to do.
Me? Personally, I just want to sing. I want to perform. That's all I've ever wanted to do. That's pretty much the only thing I'm good at. I want to travel and sing for huge audiences all over the world...
But, that's never going to happen, so I started studying to be a choir teacher; so I can, at the very least, have the same impact on my students that my teachers had on me.
But even that seems unreachable right now. I dropped out of university after one year because of my mental health and the fact that I hated the school I was at. I keep telling myself that I'll go back to school once I get on my feet and get some stuff paid off, but I'm not able to pay off my debt any time soon and any money I get a chance to save ends up being used because of not making enough money to cover bills plus stuff I need to buy let alone saving anything or paying for school. Even if I did make enough to pay for school, I'm not going to be able to work full time and go to school online or at night forever. Most of my classes are not offered online or at night. So work overnight? No. I've seen my friends struggle with their overnight vs reality every day and I could not mentally handle that stress.
I can keep going but it just spirals down from there.
I kinda feel like I'm drifting further and further away from my dreams as the days go by. But then again, I'm losing weight without trying, which has also been a dream of mine for a long time so there is a little hope. ;)

Writer's Block

I wish I had a way to record my thoughts so that whenever I sit down to write I could go back and listen to/see everything I had thought about saying instead of staring at a blank screen or piece of paper not being able to remember what I wanted to write... Its like I have so much to say and i think about stuff a lot but can't write it down to express myself because I can't fucking remember and it honestly the most frustrating thing. I'm in a constant losing battle with my brain like every day.

Quitting

Monday, November 6th, 2017 I quit smoking weed, at least till new years, for the purposes of finding a new job. I smoked for a multitude of reasons, not including just to get high. I have bipolar disorder, bipolar depression, anxiety, insomnia, PTSD, stress, and an eating disorder; all of which smoking weed has helped TREMENDOUSLY. Seeing as I don't take medication for anything I should, except birth control, I expect these next couple months to seriously suck. So, friday, I bought a cheap vape pen and CBD juice just to be safe.

11/6/17   I'm doing good. I want to smoke, but more out of habit than anything else. Stress level higher than normal, but given the circumstances, not bad. Then my grandmother got home. She already irritates me all the time anyways cause she just talks so fucking much. So, as per usual, she gets home and starts talking to me and wont shut up and I just want to cuss her out because I am irritable. So I am just short with her, biting my tongue, but then her talking turned into bitching about everything and it is going to drive me up the fucking wall.

11/7/17   I can't complain. Again I want to smoke but more out of habit. The feeling doesn't gnaw at me like when its been a couple hours since I've had a cigarette. It is substantially more difficult to relax my mind and wind down enough to get to sleep at a decent time - woo insomnia starting to rear its ugly head. Ugh. CBD Vape and Melatonin help just a little, but not really enough to make a difference. I am still currently able to sleep through the night though, so that may be where it helps, because I usually can't unless I smoke before bed. My mother suggested ZzzQuil which doesn't work for me, but NyQuil does, but i refuse to use it unless I am actually sick. I also have 2 bottles of melatonin and a box of Goody's sleep aid with pain reliever for when I need it. Also, I realized that I have a little more free time since I'm not spending my time prepping and smoking (about an hour to an hour and a half).

11/8/17    I feel the need to clarify my weed "habit". I'm not addicted (which, yes I realize every addict says). I do not have a craving for the weed. Its just more of a habit to smoke a blunt in the morning/before bed as opposed to just cigarettes. I still catch myself opening my center console, to get one to smoke, out of habit from doing it for so long. I'm not suffering withdrawals, just some irritability, but that is normal for Sober Me anyways. Irritability has always been a side effect to my mental illnesses as well as eating disorder.

   To clarify my eating disorder - I am not sure if there is a name for it, as I have not ever met someone with the same issues. I'm not anorexic; I do eat. I love food, that's why I'm fat. I'm not so self conscious about that anymore that I would force myself into an eating disorder. For whatever reason, I am just not hungry very often. I am, but I'm not. See, if I don't feel hungry, I can't eat because I will get sick and throw up. But the feeling of hunger comes and goes in waves. So, when my body feels hungry, it doesn't keep that feeling for long, but if I don't eat while that feeling is there, the feeling passes and if i eat between the waves of hunger, I get sick. So I maybe eat twice a day; an actual meal I mean. I can snack on stuff throughout the day so long as its light enough to not make my body sick (some crackers, candy, little stuff like that). Sometimes, when I eat while I'm hungry, I will get just a couple bites in and can't eat anymore, but if I force myself to eat more, I will get sick.

   Quite often, I feel weak. Sometimes I feel dizzy, and nauseous when it has been a while since I've eaten. And a couple of times, I've thrown up from not eating much for a couple days. Those are the worst. Too often, while I am hungry, will go to find something to eat but everything smells or tastes bad and I cant eat it. And its usually foods I love, and then I get upset, and then the wave of hunger recedes, and I go about my day. I do not know why this happens, but what i do know is that when I do smoke weed, I can eat whether my body feels hungry or not - YAY MUNCHIES!!!!! for keeping me on a healthy eating schedule!

11/16/17 ok so update, I got the job at jiffy lube and I can smoke again. Woohoo!

Yes, I'm okay. No I am not okay.

I am safe. My family is safe. All of the people I care about are safe. My mom's hours flooded, but all of the dogs and cat and family is safe. I am okay.

I am not okay.
I feel like life has just steadily been throwing bricks at me since I graduated. Like I can't catch a break. And once it seems like life is running out of brings, a new truckload comes in. I'd like to be able to start building something out of those bricks but they're heavy, and there's so many piled on top of me. I can't move. I can't see. I can't breathe.
Why? What could I have possibly done that was so bad that I have deserved this shit?! ALL I HAVE EVER DONE IS HELP PEOPLE!!! And for what? To be taken for granted lied to, cheated on, be told, "I hate you" every single day? To be bullied my entire childhood? To be told that I'm nothing, have always been and will always be nothing, that I'm not good enough? To get stabbed in the back, betrayed, RAPED? To always be there for people when they need someone, and have no one there when I need it? To NEVER be treated with the same love and compassion that I pour into everything I do or say? To have a voice that is never heard?
You want to know why I don't believe in God?
Because WHO THE FUCK KILLS SIX (6!!!!!) Family members, a close friend, and two dogs all within TWO MONTHS?! And then makes you really sick, fail your semester,l? And then burns the house you grew up in, gives your grandmother a spinal tumor and has to have major surgery, gives your dad a rare genetic pancreatic disorder that could kill him, has to have major surgery that gives him an 80% chance of becoming diabetic, puts him out if work and mom behind on bills and then floods your mother's house?!?! Within 11 months?!?!
No fuck you! This is some sick joke, right? This can't be real. Maybe it's one of my numerous mental problems acting up again... Fuck dude.
Look, I don't complain about my life because I know it could be worse. And I constantly remind myself that there's always someone who has it worse. But fucking damnit I'm tired of this shit! I can only take so much before I completely crumble.
I'm fine.

You Wonder Why

So, I actually wrote this in 2013, but it still applies, but now I'm 21 and pay my own way, including to them...

You wonder why i stay in my room, why i dont talk to yall, why im always in a "pissy ass mood," or why im never home. You say its because im a teenager and im a "smartass bitch that always has to know everything." But honestly, thats not it at all. I just hate you. I hate being home. I hate being around you because you criticize everything I do. Why should i have to justify my actions. You wonder why we fight all the time. I havent been able to stand being in the same room with any of you in about five years. You all treat me like shit. You've pushed me so far into my depression that its permanently a part of me. I will never be able to be the person i want to be until i get out. I love you, mostly because i have to. You're my family and i have to live with you until i can move out. That day literally will not come fast enough. You always tell me, "you're gonna miss it when you leave." Why in the world would i miss fighting literally every day with all of you, being called a bitch, selfish, annoying, being pushed away because when i want/need to talk you're too busy watching your tv show, or being told that i am hated and being wished dead. Why would i miss crying myself to sleep at night because i'm so pissed off from you yelling at me for stupid bullshit or hitting me because i said something you didnt like. It feels like no matter what I do for you, you will find something to bitch about. Why would i miss being abused mentally and emotionally for as long as i can remember to the point where I can't function. Like a normal person my age can function without a problem. Like be happy or be with friends.

In Between

I am the in-betweener.
In between today is great! And I wonder how many people would notice if I just disappeared?
In between hey how are you I'm sam and hiding in the corner trying not to be seen.
Between I'm so white omg and I'm not even white! I'm not. I'm 3/4 native American and yeah I'm French and Irish and German. But I am also African American. But can you tell?!?!
In between
I'm that awkward friend that knows a lot of people, and has alot of friends, but no one offers to hang out. I don't belong to any group. Nobody includes me in their plans when they make them. I kinda just happen upon them and get invited...