Quitting

Monday, November 6th, 2017 I quit smoking weed, at least till new years, for the purposes of finding a new job. I smoked for a multitude of reasons, not including just to get high. I have bipolar disorder, bipolar depression, anxiety, insomnia, PTSD, stress, and an eating disorder; all of which smoking weed has helped TREMENDOUSLY. Seeing as I don't take medication for anything I should, except birth control, I expect these next couple months to seriously suck. So, friday, I bought a cheap vape pen and CBD juice just to be safe.

11/6/17   I'm doing good. I want to smoke, but more out of habit than anything else. Stress level higher than normal, but given the circumstances, not bad. Then my grandmother got home. She already irritates me all the time anyways cause she just talks so fucking much. So, as per usual, she gets home and starts talking to me and wont shut up and I just want to cuss her out because I am irritable. So I am just short with her, biting my tongue, but then her talking turned into bitching about everything and it is going to drive me up the fucking wall.

11/7/17   I can't complain. Again I want to smoke but more out of habit. The feeling doesn't gnaw at me like when its been a couple hours since I've had a cigarette. It is substantially more difficult to relax my mind and wind down enough to get to sleep at a decent time - woo insomnia starting to rear its ugly head. Ugh. CBD Vape and Melatonin help just a little, but not really enough to make a difference. I am still currently able to sleep through the night though, so that may be where it helps, because I usually can't unless I smoke before bed. My mother suggested ZzzQuil which doesn't work for me, but NyQuil does, but i refuse to use it unless I am actually sick. I also have 2 bottles of melatonin and a box of Goody's sleep aid with pain reliever for when I need it. Also, I realized that I have a little more free time since I'm not spending my time prepping and smoking (about an hour to an hour and a half).

11/8/17    I feel the need to clarify my weed "habit". I'm not addicted (which, yes I realize every addict says). I do not have a craving for the weed. Its just more of a habit to smoke a blunt in the morning/before bed as opposed to just cigarettes. I still catch myself opening my center console, to get one to smoke, out of habit from doing it for so long. I'm not suffering withdrawals, just some irritability, but that is normal for Sober Me anyways. Irritability has always been a side effect to my mental illnesses as well as eating disorder.

   To clarify my eating disorder - I am not sure if there is a name for it, as I have not ever met someone with the same issues. I'm not anorexic; I do eat. I love food, that's why I'm fat. I'm not so self conscious about that anymore that I would force myself into an eating disorder. For whatever reason, I am just not hungry very often. I am, but I'm not. See, if I don't feel hungry, I can't eat because I will get sick and throw up. But the feeling of hunger comes and goes in waves. So, when my body feels hungry, it doesn't keep that feeling for long, but if I don't eat while that feeling is there, the feeling passes and if i eat between the waves of hunger, I get sick. So I maybe eat twice a day; an actual meal I mean. I can snack on stuff throughout the day so long as its light enough to not make my body sick (some crackers, candy, little stuff like that). Sometimes, when I eat while I'm hungry, I will get just a couple bites in and can't eat anymore, but if I force myself to eat more, I will get sick.

   Quite often, I feel weak. Sometimes I feel dizzy, and nauseous when it has been a while since I've eaten. And a couple of times, I've thrown up from not eating much for a couple days. Those are the worst. Too often, while I am hungry, will go to find something to eat but everything smells or tastes bad and I cant eat it. And its usually foods I love, and then I get upset, and then the wave of hunger recedes, and I go about my day. I do not know why this happens, but what i do know is that when I do smoke weed, I can eat whether my body feels hungry or not - YAY MUNCHIES!!!!! for keeping me on a healthy eating schedule!

11/16/17 ok so update, I got the job at jiffy lube and I can smoke again. Woohoo!