To Everyone Who Keeps Asking If I Am Okay

I've been better, but I am okay. I am alive and well. I love my job and I'm not shutting people out because of my depression. However, I've been through so much shit in the past year and a half that sometimes its hard to see the bright side. So, for everyone wanting to know what's going on, I'll give you the run-down.

Well, let's see since August of 2016: my grandmas house burned down, found out she had a tumor in her spine on her spinal chord, I moved back down, granny had surgery to remove the tumor, I lost my best friend because she decided to replace me and burn the bridge, granny bought a house and I moved in with her to help her out 2 days before Harvey hit, moms house and storage unit flooded in harvey so just about everything we still had at moms house got ruined as well as all of my furniture, except my bed, and about 1/3 of my book collection including all of my school stuff, then we found out that my dad has a rare genetic form of chronic pancreatitis, had 40% of his pancreas removed in September, then the doctors found a tumor in the part of his pancreas they removed, then he developed a cyst on the incision on his pancreas in march and spots on his liver, put 2 stents in to drain the cyst and found out the spots they could see were 5 tumors, then we found out the tumors are aggressive and malignant but they cant cut them out right now cause theyd have to take over half of his liver amd they don't know if he has more tumors, he was supposed to start chemo the beginning of this month but his insurance wouldn't cover the injections so they have to wait till the beginning of next month for the new insurance that will to kick in. I also found out a few weeks ago, that my best friend that is now 20 weeks pregnant has a brain tumor that has to be removed and grows tumors in her body like normal people grow hair weeks ago I found a gas leak in a pipe outside and the gas has been off since, just had people come out to fix the pipe today, have to wait till Monday for the city to inspect the new system, then have to get the plumbers back out to fill in the trench to cover the new pipe, then gotta call to get the gas meter back out, so I should have hot water again by the end of next week; making it 4 weeks with no hot water. I wasn't able to make my car payment this month because my check was short because I missed a day of work and didn't get paid till the day after my payment was due so it overdrafted my account but I got it figured out, and I got sent home 2 hours early today because labor was high.

So, my life is a shit show and I've been better, but I'm ok. 👌

❤Tippy❤

Follow Your Dreams?

Do you ever like really think about what you want to do with your life, like what you want to do and where you want to be, and just get really upset because reaching your life goals are unrealistic?
I cry. It literally hurts when I think about the fact that I will likely never achieve my dreams because they're so unrealistic. So I set an achievable goal doing something else that I would still enjoy, but I also know that even if I get there, I still won't be doing what I truly want to do.
Me? Personally, I just want to sing. I want to perform. That's all I've ever wanted to do. That's pretty much the only thing I'm good at. I want to travel and sing for huge audiences all over the world...
But, that's never going to happen, so I started studying to be a choir teacher; so I can, at the very least, have the same impact on my students that my teachers had on me.
But even that seems unreachable right now. I dropped out of university after one year because of my mental health and the fact that I hated the school I was at. I keep telling myself that I'll go back to school once I get on my feet and get some stuff paid off, but I'm not able to pay off my debt any time soon and any money I get a chance to save ends up being used because of not making enough money to cover bills plus stuff I need to buy let alone saving anything or paying for school. Even if I did make enough to pay for school, I'm not going to be able to work full time and go to school online or at night forever. Most of my classes are not offered online or at night. So work overnight? No. I've seen my friends struggle with their overnight vs reality every day and I could not mentally handle that stress.
I can keep going but it just spirals down from there.
I kinda feel like I'm drifting further and further away from my dreams as the days go by. But then again, I'm losing weight without trying, which has also been a dream of mine for a long time so there is a little hope. ;)

Writer's Block

I wish I had a way to record my thoughts so that whenever I sit down to write I could go back and listen to/see everything I had thought about saying instead of staring at a blank screen or piece of paper not being able to remember what I wanted to write... Its like I have so much to say and i think about stuff a lot but can't write it down to express myself because I can't fucking remember and it honestly the most frustrating thing. I'm in a constant losing battle with my brain like every day.