Yes, I'm okay. No I am not okay.

I am safe. My family is safe. All of the people I care about are safe. My mom's hours flooded, but all of the dogs and cat and family is safe. I am okay.

I am not okay.
I feel like life has just steadily been throwing bricks at me since I graduated. Like I can't catch a break. And once it seems like life is running out of brings, a new truckload comes in. I'd like to be able to start building something out of those bricks but they're heavy, and there's so many piled on top of me. I can't move. I can't see. I can't breathe.
Why? What could I have possibly done that was so bad that I have deserved this shit?! ALL I HAVE EVER DONE IS HELP PEOPLE!!! And for what? To be taken for granted lied to, cheated on, be told, "I hate you" every single day? To be bullied my entire childhood? To be told that I'm nothing, have always been and will always be nothing, that I'm not good enough? To get stabbed in the back, betrayed, RAPED? To always be there for people when they need someone, and have no one there when I need it? To NEVER be treated with the same love and compassion that I pour into everything I do or say? To have a voice that is never heard?
You want to know why I don't believe in God?
Because WHO THE FUCK KILLS SIX (6!!!!!) Family members, a close friend, and two dogs all within TWO MONTHS?! And then makes you really sick, fail your semester,l? And then burns the house you grew up in, gives your grandmother a spinal tumor and has to have major surgery, gives your dad a rare genetic pancreatic disorder that could kill him, has to have major surgery that gives him an 80% chance of becoming diabetic, puts him out if work and mom behind on bills and then floods your mother's house?!?! Within 11 months?!?!
No fuck you! This is some sick joke, right? This can't be real. Maybe it's one of my numerous mental problems acting up again... Fuck dude.
Look, I don't complain about my life because I know it could be worse. And I constantly remind myself that there's always someone who has it worse. But fucking damnit I'm tired of this shit! I can only take so much before I completely crumble.
I'm fine.

You Wonder Why

So, I actually wrote this in 2013, but it still applies, but now I'm 21 and pay my own way, including to them...

You wonder why i stay in my room, why i dont talk to yall, why im always in a "pissy ass mood," or why im never home. You say its because im a teenager and im a "smartass bitch that always has to know everything." But honestly, thats not it at all. I just hate you. I hate being home. I hate being around you because you criticize everything I do. Why should i have to justify my actions. You wonder why we fight all the time. I havent been able to stand being in the same room with any of you in about five years. You all treat me like shit. You've pushed me so far into my depression that its permanently a part of me. I will never be able to be the person i want to be until i get out. I love you, mostly because i have to. You're my family and i have to live with you until i can move out. That day literally will not come fast enough. You always tell me, "you're gonna miss it when you leave." Why in the world would i miss fighting literally every day with all of you, being called a bitch, selfish, annoying, being pushed away because when i want/need to talk you're too busy watching your tv show, or being told that i am hated and being wished dead. Why would i miss crying myself to sleep at night because i'm so pissed off from you yelling at me for stupid bullshit or hitting me because i said something you didnt like. It feels like no matter what I do for you, you will find something to bitch about. Why would i miss being abused mentally and emotionally for as long as i can remember to the point where I can't function. Like a normal person my age can function without a problem. Like be happy or be with friends.